Devil And the Deep Blue Sea Behind Me

My mom isn't well. That isn't a secret. I don't write about it here very much because I don't want her to read it and worry about me worrying about her.

My mom is dying. She has liver failure, and her kidneys aren't working working right either. She's been in the hospital, and out, and in and out. She's officially moved in with my brother and his family and after only a few days of being there she had to return back to the hospital.

She and I had one very short conversation about her death when I was home last year. She told me exactly what she wants. She wants balloons and not flowers. She wants us to all sing along with Norman Greenbaum's SPIRIT IN THE SKY. She wants us to sing loudly and in celebration. She would like a song from Job's Daughter's that has slipped my mind, and now I realize that I'm faced with either sorting through their online info to find that damn song or asking my mother "What was that song you wanted us to sing when you die?"

I hope it's Nearer My God To Thee. I know that one. Onward Christian Soldiers seems too, something. I don't know. Not funeral-y.

My mom is trying to live, however. She's exploring transplant which wasn't something she was willing to talk about last year. Last year she wasn't quite sick enough for it anyway and now it seems she's been flung into very, very sick. Her heart has to be strong enough, they have to sort out the kidney thing.

She told me today that they told her she's failing, and dialysis is going to have to happen which seems intuitive to me. I told her that she'll probably feel better with it and mentally I think that's probably true. Maybe not. Maybe she'll feel like shit. I don't know. I've never had dialysis. I am not close to anyone who has, so I have no frame of reference.

My Dad has an infection, slurred speech and is very ill. He also seems rather depressed. He's got dementia though so who could tell what is real and what isn't. He's in a nursing home for the rest of his days, most of which haven't been very good lately.

Mom informed me today that Dad is depressed because he's going to hell. I have to admit, I had to laugh. She was pretty certain of it, and that he made his decisions and now he's "got to pay the piper".  I can't much argue, my dad spent a lot of his adult life being a real bastard. In fairness, he never had any sort of decent role model, no one to show him right from wrong or even how to love someone. The fact that he even grew up to be an adult is an amazing thing. The fact that he graduated from college is a bigger one.

I don't believe in hell. So I don't think my dad is going there. But my mom does, and it makes her sad.

He made her sad so many damn times in my life - and now he's gonna go to hell and that makes her sad too. Good grief relationships are difficult. You'd think if someone annoyed you that much you wouldn't WANT to spend eternity with them but no, see she actually loves the big idiot. Even 46 years later after all the crazy that has been their life.

There is this great quote from the movie I LOVE YOU TO DEATH, talking about her dead husband the grandmother says "I miss him so much, I forget everything I hated about him."

I think about that quote all the time lately. I don't forget everything I hated about him, but I forgive them.  I think maybe she does too.
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