SNAKE!

What does it sound like, when you stumble outside to pour your coffee grounds on your roses, and you see this green twig on the porch, and then that twig has a head and eyes and serpentines across your porch?
It sounds a little like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE."
Don't get me wrong.
This wasn't a big snake. It was the size of a pencil.
But it WAS A DAMN SNAKE ON MY PORCH.
See I'm OFF snake guard. When we lived in Florida, I had full power Snake-dar going all the time. You had water moccasins and pygmy rattlers there like leaves on trees. Ask SARAH!
Sarah will confirm for you that once I nearly peed in my pants bcse I got halfway up her walk, between her bushes, when she called down "OH hey watch for the snakes in the bushes."

Snakes are my mortal enemies. I hate them like I hate Hitler. Except I'd just slap Hitler and snakes, well they send me running screaming in the other direction.

Once at my old job in FLA, I was out for a walk when this large branch on the pathway in front of me raised it's head and looked at me. WATER MOCCASIN. As I ran SCREAMING in the other direction, back to the outdoor break area......I informed my co-workers that there was a huge snake.
"Yeah, we heard you screaming," was all they had to say.
The natives in Florida are numb to the killer beasts they live among, I swear.

I also, at the same job, was out to lunch with a co-worker and was stepping out of my car, when I just HAPPENED to look down and nearly put my put down ON a coiled up water moccasin. It was lounging in the parking lot bcse a hurricane had come through and filled all the ditches up with water to flooding It was VERY happy to be there. I was not. I shrieked and got into my car and screamed and refused to come out.

Ever.

So as I went reeling back inside my house, to my husband and son telling me it was no big deal and BOTH stepping outside to check it out.....I didn't even care. He dumped the grounds on the roses and I stayed inside.

I will tolerate the snakes in the woods as they are eating vermin and keeping them out of my yard. I will tolerate the snakes in the yard as long at they have the SENSE to stay away when I am IN the yard.

But my PORCH?

The snakes are not welcome on my porch. Snake you and I do not have a deal and I am NOT Eve. I suggest you stay under the porch where I cannot see you or know you are there.

We'll both be happier.