A Mommy Blog About Raising Men, Not Boys.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

On The First Day or Christmas...

Santa came, and the magic happened Christmas morning. My favorite part of Christmas presents is noting how much someone loves what you chose, and how sometimes they seem more interested in something you didn't work too hard on but the thing you really thought was amazing they're like meh. It's not bad, it's just an interesting phenomenon to watch. For instance, Baymax here is a favorite of two children who have now agreed to joint custody because no one can agree who he belongs to.
Who knew?
It was a Star Wars themed holiday on many fronts (AND THAT IS FURTHER PROOF THAT ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD IN MY OPINION) and everyone was pretty happy with that.
...even if Kylo Ren is a little bitch and really just the worst, but I'll hush because SPOILERS.
Elsa came to live with us and there were lots of fan favorites, and I think everyone was pretty happy in general. For me it was a bittersweet day. Today for the first time since I moved out I didn't call my parents. I couldn't sleep the night before. Christmas Eve I lay in bed feeling ill. I felt like Christmas couldn't come. How could Christmas even come without my Mom and Dad? I hadn't realized last winter as Mom came out of the hospital that all the "illness" she was having was end stage liver failure. I feel like someone should've said something to us, but maybe they told her and she didn't feel like telling it. We'll never know.

Watching the kids just have a normal day, an amazing Christmas full of the magic and joy that is that day was hard. It's hard to imagine how my kids don't feel this empty space, but I'm glad they don't. I'm glad no one else feels this at my house. The silence is deafening.
Christmas isn't about things. It's about love, and family, and remembering what is important.  It's about knowing that time is finite and every moment matters. My husband did this amazing job of creating that sort of Christmas for me this year. I think he knew that I was just plodding forward and trying to keep my shit together, even though most days I wasn't "feeling" very Christmassy.
The girl got an American Girl doll, which my mother always wanted her to have. They created them when I was a little too old for them, which I think made my mom sad. She asked me more than once if I wanted one, and always would add "I know you're a little old for them." I always turned her down. I wish I hadn't. So Julia has her first one, and now we can do all the things my mom and I used to talk about doing such as go to the Cafe with the doll. And buy the things for her from the catalog - my mom got the catalog for years, and I know she loved it as much as my nieces. 
My husband tickled my fancy with one of the toys from my childhood and we might just break it out today, the PLAYSKILLS set from Readers Digest. It had a ton of games and activities for people to do with their children. My grandmother ordered it and told me to go play with it. Heh, not exactly how it was supposed to work but oh well. 
My living room is trashed. There is a crazy race track set up taking up a huge amount of space. Half of my children and playing with strange and random toys.
And that was how Christmas was. My first Christmas as an orphan was spent surrounded with love, with the family that my husband and I have built over the past 18 years, My children practically glowed with the fun of what they got as gifts, and as the day wore on their joy at playing together was evident. I can't remember the last time they all sat down on the floor to play something, but that giant race track was something everyone loved.
Is something - it's still set up.

Today I have about 100000 things I want to accomplish but I feel like I'm not going to do any of them and maybe that's ok. Maybe today I'm just going to relax and enjoy the fact that I have a house, a family, plenty to eat, a great career and more than enough recreation in my life.

It's the most wonderful time of year. 

No really, it is.